I only put this on the internet to help anyone who is struggling with life's problems.If someone is helped by what I say here,I will feel like I have done some good.I do not want anyone to think I am sharing personal information about them,only people who realy know me well will know who or what I am writing about. And also;knowing about life and what I did in Samoa is not significant,it is something I sometimes want to forget.When I have more time I will add that as a Part 1.I have seen so many times of families falling apart just to get a better life in America.There are so many influence in a new place,some good and some bad.

Why did I leave paradise?

After coming state-side: Well life in the Pacific islands not very interesting (walking out on the reef catching fish is great fun).We work,go to Misasa,go to maketi,but everything is still the same,we are too poor to do anything else.We hear stories of coming state-side,and think life will be perfect here.Even though Samoa is U.S. overseas territory,the government does nothing to improve life there.When I was in Samoa,I knew my family was near;tima,tata,lolu and lola;all living together.There is a lot of things we don't have,but there is love,the most important thing.We all feel a need to be close to the people we love,just a touch is more important than words.Many Polynesians feel depressed when they leave their island home away from family and the "fanua matua".Even though my father is of Spanish ancestory,I was most influence by my mother and "fa'a Samoa"(Samoan way).For my father to marry my mother he had to learn all the Samoan way,it was a must to have her father's blessing.It was easy to come to mainland,Samoa is U.S. territory.Most Samoans who leave,go to Guam,America or Australia.Welcome to America;1991 in Honolulu,Hawai'i.Very much like Samoa,Polynesian people were everywhere,but most have forgotten how to speak our language.I only stayed for 2 weeks,then went to California;my father and mother were already there waiting for me.Polynesians and Filipinos everywhere in Cali too.I made many friends in Cali.Soon after;I was get involved with "Sige-Sige" and drinking all the time,even I tried shabu,but I would never try it again.I was drunk in friends house and heard "Anak" on the radio,it made me cry to think how I had gone astray;why did my family not care about what I was doing.My father was working all the time,but my mother stayed in the house.I was working 12 hours every day at a Lao/Hmong restaurant.My sister lived in New Jersey,and my parents said I had to go work and not get in trouble with gangs,so I went there.It was too malamig for me,and my ate's husband did not like me,so I went to Georgia.My sister's husband had some family in Georgia,and she knew some Asian people there too.

My plant is hungry.

March,1993 I am in Conyers,Georgia.I got a job at "Food Depot";a local grocery store.I was make $4.25 an hour and that seemed good to me;in Cali,I worked only for a place to live and sometimes I had some tip to save for myself.While working in Food Depot,I saw a very beautiful girl who was Pinay.This girl came with her family to Food Depot,but I never had much chance to talk to her.I was on break drinking my "vai niu" from a coconut,when O----- and her family walk out the door I was standing there,They talking to each other and I heard the word "niyug",it sound like close to my language;so I had to talk to them.Up to this time Mexican people were my only friends;but I missed so much my Polynesian way.I only mention her because meeting her and her family would influence my life forever.I also saw her,and her sister working at "Shoneys";a local restaurant.I never had a chance to go and meet people.I tried to stay busy so I could make money and not think about being lonely.It was 2 years later that I finaly talked more to this girl.She was at "Publix Grocery" to get a job,and so was I.While working with her,we became good friend.I learned more about her and that she was planning to get married soon.End of 1995,she was married,and I decided to leave Georgia.Partly because her husband I think was jealious of me and I didn't much like Georgia anyway.January 12,1996;we sat in Shoneys and I told her I was leaving the next day;the look on her face that day I will never forget,I saw sadness,but there was nothing I could do.I went to Ft.Lauderdale,Florida.There was a lot of Asians and my sister had friends there,also Publix would transfer me to the store there.I liked Florida,there were palm trees like back home,Asian food and karaoke,but I was still homesick for Polynesia and still thinking of my friend in Georgia.I could never forget her,for the first time since coming to America,I was care for someone.

I went back to California to visit 2 weeks in May,1996.I talked to my family about my friend who I had grown to love.I do not want to mention her name here.While visiting in Cali,a Gayuma woman met me and was talking to me about my life,she told me that my friend in Georgia was having lot of problems and that some day I would need to help her,and that it was no coincidence that I saw her so many times and was always think of her.She also said that it not matter that I was Samoan-Latino and my friend Filipina,she said we all spoke the same language a long time ago.I decided to visit Georgia in August,1996.This girl was truly having problems,but she was married,and I did not want to get involved;Filipino way is marriage is for life.Now back in Florida after my visit to Georgia,I went to karaoke almost every night,every song I sang I would think of her.Some of the song was so good,the DJ sent a recording to the local Filipino radio program.Then the radio station later asked me to help in their "Good Morning Kabayan" program,and I was also working at "Aristocrat Restaurant"(not related to the one back home).These were the best jobs I ever had.Most of my friends were Filipino,and I learned so much about the culture and language,this was the closest thing to Samoan way,only about 20,000 people still speak Samoan,and we are all mix of Polynesian,Spanish,European,and other Pacific islands people.If we don't make friends of our Malayo-Kapampangan brothers,we will not survive another century.

Aristocrat Restaurant-Florida

I talked to my friend on the phone and in December,I went back to Georgia.All my friends in Ft.Walton Beach and south Florida told me not to leave.I gave up the best job I had,but love can make you do some crazy things.She was working at Shoneys and so I decided to get a job there too.Then later I got a job at "S--------- Plastics",she was also work there.Working all night and seeing only American people was so depressing,but at least I could see my friend.So many times I worried about her,because she not look happy,but when I talk to her,she smile.In 1998 she decided to get divorce,and by this time I knew her family very well.

1998 was a good year,we talked and went places together.She said we could go back to Philippines,maybe get married,I liked the idea.It seemed like my only dream in life could actualy come true.We were both still working at Sweetheart.End of 1998,I decided to get a job some where else,because all these people were talking about us,and telling me that she had lot of boyfriends,but I did not want to believe it.I would take food to her some times,for her break time at work.People would say I was crazy to do that because she would go to "Waffle House" with some other guy when she get off work.Also a long time Vietnamese friend and his wife moved in with me.He helped me get a job where he worked.He tell me too that I do so many things for my friend,but she not do any thing in return.Her mother would cook food for us to eat,and I very much appreciate that;her tatang was take me in like a son.I would never expect something in return,because God knows the intent of my heart.But now it seems that the girl of my dreams is slowly slipping away,and with that my heart is torn.The time that she called for me,and my Vietnamese friend's wife answered the phone did not help things.Maybe she thought I have other girlfriend.In December,1998;I also did karaoke for a Filipino Christmas party in Alabama;she was upset with me that I was going to DJ for them.I had told them I would do it,so I could not say no.When she said she was mad at me I cried.So many feeling inside and no where for it to go,and no one to talk to.I tried to call her sister in Okinawa,but could never get through.

My favorite beer.

Now year 1999,she have Mexican boyfriend.I heard it from a Mexican girl who worked in "El A------" in Covington,Georgia.I heard that my friend was working at "Golden Corral",and once more I decided to get a job there too.I feel bad that I used this Mexican girl just to find out where O----- was,but I still cared about her.I went drinking in all the Mexican club just to look for her;I got so drunk one night that I got D.U.I. on my way home.This cost me over $1,000.00,I made many mistake in this time.My mom and dad came to Georgia after this happen,they were so discouraged because of me,but I am glad my family was here to help me,because I not know what to do.My family said maybe we should have never come state-side.All of this because of love and concern for my friend;I don't want to blame her for it though,I should not have care so much for her.And I admit that I made mistakes too,but sometimes it was hard to talk to her.It seems now that her personality is change,she is different from how she was previous years;but the feelings for her are still in my heart.I have now wrote many songs for her,and my songs are make good money for me.My personality has changed too because of her,sometimes I not care about any one but myself,and some times not even my self.Buti pang mamatay because there is nothing worth living for in America.Why is there no girl who would care to love me?So many girl who would want to go out with me,but they are not sincere love.My family had so many hopes for me and her,but now they are gone.There are so few woman that I can choose from,Polynesian culture is very strict,I need my father's blessing.I will continue to sing my songs,hoping some one will hear what I want to say.

Café Sonata,one of my hang-out spots.

Now it is 2001,it seems I still think of her sometimes.I try to stay busy working at "ABC Beverage Store",but I still have time to think about things.All my dreams are gone,why does love hurt so much.No one cares for me here in America.My parents need me for the money I send to them,but do they know my loneliness here.They want to see their dreams live through me.This girl I loved,she does not care for me,maybe love is blind.I can get drunk and try to forget her and my life,but gabi't araw I still think of her and what my future will be.Where will I go next?Maybe I should go back to Samoa,visit some of family still there;to Australia,my uncle lives there;America is not that great place that people say it is,I could never die here.But Conyers,GA;I have had some of the best and worst time of my life here.I have been here too long.Life is not simple any more;sing a kundiman to the love of your life,hope her family will accept you,hope she will open her window and listen.In Samoa and P.I. it is still like that,but even there is changing to be like America.It seem there is no sincere love.What did I do wrong?Ipagtapat ang pag-ibig ko,but does any one have feelings any more.I still want her to know how I feel "Bakit kita minahal?'Yan ay tanong ng pusong may suliraning tinataglay.If you did not care for me,I wish you tell me,I would not have waste 5 years on you."I am afraid she will suffer because of her mistakes,she had her chance,but did not want it.Every one makes their own destiny.Well,you may wonder if I have girlfriend now,I am still waiting to see what life will bring.I could be a babaero,sleep with a different girl every night,but I care too much for people to use them,and God will judge what you do in your life.As long as there is Heineken,555's,karaoke and DDR;I will try to be happy.But why destroy my life because of some one else,there is so much opportunity for me.I was so depressed and my heart broken.There are so many broken hearts in the world,but how do you heal a broken heart.Now my fans can know why I write the songs that I do;if some one can be helped by the songs I sing or what I wrote here;I will be happy.And to my friend's ima and tatang;I would love to visit,but the memories that I have is more than I can bear.I know God will bless you,you tried to make your children go the right way.And to American people;I do not want to say this country is all bad,but all that I have gain in this country,I have lost so much more.

End of July,I am going back to Florida.I am getting too old to continue to live a useless life."Paradise Lounge" has been begging for me to come back,I can make more money there doing what I like to do.But I must go see ima and tatang before I leave;I know I met this family for a reason,and I will always thank God for them.They seemed to show more concern for me than my own family.Now August 2001,O-----'s sister is back from Okinawa,she has come at the perfect time when my life had seemed so meaningless.I just talked to her,and if it had been 3 days later,I would not have been in Georgia any more.It is very easy for me to talk to her,but I wish we had time to talk about the things I want to say.God always answers prayers at the time when you most need it,and her coming here is an answer to the meaning of my life.She has saved my life in more ways than she will ever know.It seems I have met the woman I feel most comfortable with,and I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with her.I want to be a true friend to her,she has had a hard life and deserve to have a true friend to help through lifes problems.Sometimes I wonder,when I get old who will take care of me;when she get old,who will take care of her.She have someone already,who is rich,American and well establish,I just hope the best for them.But I don't trust some uf* palagi.When he come here (Georgia),I maybe will be forgotten,that has been the story of my life.But I don't think she would forget me,I know a true friend,she has shown more concern for me than anyone else.I just hope her fiancee will always take care of her.At least for now I feel close to heaven when I am around her,but this heaven will not last forever.To Polynesian people,being alone is the worst curse,because the circle of life must be complete.

My sunshine and sorrow.

It is now the beginning of 2002.A robbery happened at ABC Beverage,it made me think how short life can be,I survived and thank God.It seems that as quick as dreams come true,they just as fast fade away.But this time is definately the hardest of them all.Because when you find that perfect one,there is no substitute,and the closer you are to them,the harder it is to let go.I can try love someone else but it would not be true love.Unless some Samoan princess would walk into my life.I will never trust Filipino again.E pala le ma'a,'ae le pala le 'upu.I guess I can continue in my bisyu drinking,smoking,gambling because it seems nothing really matters in the end.Some people think it is exotic to be Polynesian,but believe me,you would never want to be where I am at or feel the way I feel.I thought I would not be forgotten,but I have.When troubles come to me,then she run away,not even giving thought to how I feel.She does not understand the Samoan way,or even consider it to be important,she would rather live with palagi,that is her problem.I should have never come here nor stayed so long,the best for me to do is go and never see this place again.To be continued...

Thanks so much to the following people:
To God first of all for life and salvation to all the world.
To my best friend D----,you make me smile when no one else could.
To my family for bring me into this world,and love and care for me.
To A-----,sorry you had to wait for me so long.
To the Hmong,Samoan and Filipino community,they give me so much advice about life.
To O----- and her family.
To my friend from Lubao,I not agree with every thing you said,but some was good.
To all my friends in Florida and California.
To special-K,you understand what no one else does.
To my sister in New Jersey and her ex-military husband (he hated me).
To Atsi Sabrina,where are you?
To my Chinese friend,she was close to me when every one else forget me.
To my Korean boss,he treated me like his son;and my co-workers,you are proof there is some good people in America.
To "Café Sonata" and "Baan Thai" and all my friends there.
And many other people I have met along the way,thank you so much.

I will continue to update this story,but only God knows what the ending will be.

Pablo